Chapter3

Jun 30, 2024 @ 13:50 -0500

Some people are born to self sabotage

I am so mentally fucked up right now. My Girlfriend and I are in a really bad place. She’s actively talking to someone new. I’ve done enough terrible things to her over the years, which by themselves would likely be enough to justify looking outside a relationship. Then there’s the fact that years ago I did something I should have told her about. Now, we’ve had a couple of really cuddly days which have been so amazing. I know she’s got turmoil in her head with us right now too. She doesn’t believe she’ll be able to forgive that early in our relationship I flirted online with people and never told her. It isn’t even the flirting it’s the not saying anything.

We both have done some terrible things to each other over the years. Strangely, I know she is all I want as my partner from now until forever. I know 100%, she is my person. I know 100% that, I’m her person.

I guess with that minor backstory I can attempt to explain why I’m so fucked in the head right now. We hadn’t been having regular sex for a long time. Between issues between us, and some self-worth issues on her part. Our bedroom, was mostly dead. Now, when things have never been worse between us; we’ve been more sexually active in one weekend than we’ve been in months in one go. Despite this being something I’d been really wanting, I don’t understand it. My head can’t stop screaming at me of “Why now, things are bad! You don’t deserve the physical love from the woman you love!”. That alone I guess would kind of be fine. Then I know she’s at least kind of talking to someone who in theory could replace me.

The above didn’t explain why I’m feeling messed up in the head. It’s a good start, but I’m really struggling with the words. The love of my life, the person I know I want to spend the rest of my life with is talking to someone else. This is nerve wracking. We talked about not being together, and still living together. We talked about both staying single if/while that happened and trying to work on ourselves before jumping into something new. I really want to go psyco, and go through all her phone, and see just how bad things are. I won’t because I know it’s crazy!, I know instead of making things better it will make things worse!, depending on what there might be it could cause me to go from a bit unstable to a fucking nutjob!

For better or worse, my person, even now has been willing to be open, and honest or at least that is what I believe about what she is and isn’t doing. We still act very much like a couple, but she’s said we are not together. In my head and heart, I fully still have us together. I see this as a trial that once we, figure out how to get through, will make us closer than ever. Not every trial, is successfully completed in life though. Knowing that, I’m constantly telling myself that as long as I give 100%, no matter what happens, I’ll be able to accept the outcome. I do at least mostly believe that too. It doesn’t make me any less nervous though. In fact, in someways it’s making me better and in others it is making me worse.

A Small Glimmer, of unrelated hope

Despite, having a lot of things bothering me about the part of my life that means the most. I’ve been dealing with a good amount of anxiety recently. This anxiety has been about my finances being in bad shape. For better or For worse, I screwed up this month. I accidentally, but my person, in a spot where her finances could get fucked up like mine.

Putting her in this situation, caused me to think as hard as I could about helping her. I realized I could take a loan against my 401K, and pay off the money I already owed her as well as get my finances back in order. It probably says a lot about me, that I wasn’t able to think through a solution for my finances when it was just mine at stake. What I find even more screwed up about this is, I REALLY want to buy a house with my person. We can’t do this while my finances are bad. Yet, until I put hers on the line, I didn’t know how to fix my own!

All up in my head

Because of how I write the parts to “Untitled”, with them being written while I sit at work and published at the end of my shift. Sometimes, I jump from thought to thought. For the last couple of years, Alex, and I have spent most of our shifts messaging each other basically non-stop. I know she has a lot in her head and heart about me right now. Much of it bad, and some of it still good. Yet, the fact that I don’t get instant responses any more really makes me sad. It’s dumb, and I’m doing what I can to tell myself that, it’s fine. After all, she does NOT owe me that, and even when we’ve been great as a couple she didn’t owe me that! I just need to keep giving 100% in all aspects of life. I don’t know if it will help her remember why she fell in love with me, and it doesn’t matter. She’s said a lot of times I think about myself first. I don’t honestly think that’s true. I think most of the time I think about her first, but I do KNOW I’ve spent the last couple of years not showing that.

Of the things I’ve written today, oddly, one of the things that makes me the most upset is the fact that I haven’t been showing her that she is first for the last couple of years. What kind of piece of shit doesn’t show their person that they are the first thought on their mind every morning and the last every night! I do realize because I’m writing how I’m feeling there are SO Many “I” statements in today’s “chapter” of “Untitled” that it does 100% come off how she says. It’s all “Me, Me, Me”, and I (there I go again) honestly don’t like that. But in some ways I use writing as an alternative to the therapy I’m fairly confidant I need and will be looking into how to get tomorrow. After having a mental breakdown at work on Thursday, I spoke with my HR person, just to see if we had any mental health benefits. Turned out, we DO!

I’ve spent about the last 23 minutes writing the last 2 paragraphs. I’ve spent all 23 of those minutes, with the Messanger window with Alex open on another screen. Praying for more/faster responses. I’m not really getting them. However, this rambling typing is at least helping a tiny bit of me not thinking about it. Though in a lot of way’s it isn’t helping at all. I’m still dying inside that she isn’t responding to me like she used to. I want to scream, cry, pout, and basically have a temper tantrum like a 4-year-old because of it.

Alex and I, have a bunch of cute stories together. I think about some of them WAY more often than others. I’d guess that’s how most people are with their person. One, that I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, is we’d gone out drinking. We went down an alley and found an unlocked work van. We went in it and took a bunch of pictures. It’s something so silly that it shouldn’t live rent-free in my head. But it does, and it keeps bringing a smile to my face! As I was writing about it with almost zero details because it’s a little sketchy, I thought about one night we were walking around in Chicago. We found some flowers! They instantly became hers! It’s so strange thinking about some of the things we’ve done and had a great time with. I know we have hundreds of cute little stories together. I want to be able to recall all of them without thinking, because she is my person! Sadly, sometimes I have such a hard time just not thinking about something that I can’t recall the good things I want to. For example, I am still looking over at our chat on Messanger, waiting for her to say literally anything. I’ll send something to hopefully at least get a reply even if it doesn’t spark the conversation I want and don’t know how to start. I guess on the brightside I know she had notifications for Messanger turned off on her phone, and I don’t know what she might have open on her laptop, so maybe it’s not that she’s ignoring talking to me so much as doing something else like possibly playing Pokémon Go, or down a rabbit hole on Reddit! In no way, do I think the lack of responses like we had, when our relationship, was strong and in a good place, are malicious, but they are really fucking me up right now. Alex still loves me, she might not be sure if she can or wants to be with me, but I know she still loves me like I still love her! I know I’m being fucking stupid! But being all up in my head is where I’m at all day every day! Well not really all day every day, but it does feel that way right now!